Timothy Peevyhouse

Tim Peevyhouse

Actual quotes attributed to me from my classes:

“A cow could fall out of the sky and land on my head.”
“Why did the cell plasmolyze? Because it was the chicken’s day off.”
“Write it in your head not on your head!”
“A scientist whose name escapes me – oh well he’s probably not too important.”
“Just because my English isn’t gooder than his...”
“Gummy bears have no constitutional rights; they are not all created equal.”
“You might say to yourself, ‘Self’…”
“This lab will be semi-organized chaos.”
“So you are a gazelle with a lion coming at you. You say to yourself, “Self, should you fight or fly?””
“He was really good at math: even in the womb he was dividing and dividing.”
“Your liver cells are, you know, just hanging out.”
“Sex is just like flipping a coin.”
“What are the odds of all your children being purple?”
“You can’t cross a dead hamster.”
“I had a dream that this class played in the world championship for flag football.”
“What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An utter catastrophe.”
“We use x and y so that we don’t get mixed up with the chickens.”
“If you have (1.) Two z chromosomes and (2.) You are a chicken, then you are male.”
“Have you ever heard Siamese cats breeding?”
“I’m not a statistician, although I play one on TV.”
“If my aunt had a y chromosome then she would be my uncle.”
“Oh man, I want a wife with a big lip!”
“You don’t find near sighted dear.”
“You know, rhinos can shoot their urine like 20 feet! It’s the whole zoo experience.”
“I’m funny even when I don’t know it.”
It’s hard to be reproductively successful if you’re dead.
These guns are all natural! Well… they’re actually more like air soft guns…
You breathe out your food. That’s insane!
The only way that we as humans can be as complex as we are is at the expense of the universe.
I’d eat you if it meant living.
If you’re in a survival situation, you’re not going to be like “eeehhhhh I don’t want tooo much fat in my diet” NO! you take it all man.
If you split an orange, there’ll be little sections. If you cut your kidney in half… you’ll probably bleed to death.
Babies are like little parasites inside you, and they suck up your……
Don’t sit around thinking; “Am I going to die?” yes, yes you are.
Safety first! Danger second!!
If someone gives you a cold, you now have a little piece of them in you.
You know… it’s a good thing ostriches don’t fly. I was thinking of the poop.
If we were to throw you in a fire… that would kill you.
Now you are probably asking yourself; “Self, why are there introns?”
At the time they did seem legit. Did I just say legit?!
Soon enough you get a little freak-of-nature-smashed-faced pug dog!
Get the mate…get eaten. Get the mate…get eaten. Bird of Paradise? Get the mate.
When the circumstances are bad, quite frankly, you really only need one male.
You see all the big ugly fat guys with all the beautiful women. No offense big ugly fat guys.
There’s no such thing as bad weather. Just bad clothes.
Grizzly bears? Man, one swipe and you’re out! There really isn’t much you can say after that other than “Hey look! My intestines! I didn’t know they looked like that….”
All the Disney movies where the lion is purring, yeah, total lie!
You never know when you will need to know the difference between a male and a female moss. You just never know.
You see… when two flowers really love each other…
I like to think of the year as a rollercoaster… a really really boring rollercoaster.
I’m Pterophyta ferns!
“I believe I can fly!!” NO! you can’t.
I like to call this a pseudo-democratic dictatorship.
If you lower your expectations you can do anything in life. Aim low and you will never be disappointed.
You can play rock/paper… didn’t really catch on.
No matter how tough you think you are, a centipede lands in your lap and you’re screamin’.
You guys are sharp. Like a butter knife!
I’ve kissed so many sea cucumbers in my life. Man I’m golden; I should go buy a lottery ticket.
Credit cards are tools. Just like other tools they can be used for good or evil. Like an ax. An ax is a tool…
If you were to eat with your left hand people would look at you like “DUDE!!! gggrroooossssssssssssss….”
You gotta take care of your parasites. You gotta love them! They love you!!...kinda.
Because dead kids can't mate.
I used my photocopying Jedi skills.
I want to completely mess you up for the rest of your life.
Your #2 is the #1 important thing about fiber.
I'll offend everyone at some point this year so just wait your turn.
I will regurgitate some food into your mouth in a second
If you ever feel like a hollow ball...yes, you were a hollow ball.
I only have a recessive allele; why are you using me for a human sacrifice?
Don't even tell me babies are cute. They're all purple and...eww...huuuh.. little freaks.
Are you a cyborg?
You can be totally fine one day and you can be dead the next.
I don't want to be an arbiter of crazy in a hot, sweaty roomful of fools." (that one was an explanation of why you never chaperone the school dances)
Man, I haven't gone to the bathroom in a while... sure would be nice.
Bacon makes everything better. That should be our motto!
And the third, and most important, reason is... is... oops, I forgot.
but you'd have bigger problems if you sweated alcohol... people licking you, for instance.
It's not heartburn, it's esophagus burn!
Whatever you do, don't think about pink elephants!
I don't know about you, but crepe paper has a certain... taste to it.
Everyone has a different metabolism. Some of you could just look at a hamburger... and gain a pound."
Well, that must have made for some interesting poop."
Don't worry, I'll offend almost every single person in this room eventually, just you wait."
Sure you found a nutrino. And I've got an elf in my closet!
Freshwater fish are peeing all day long!
Noodle that one over."
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in their wet suits, and people who lie about peeing in their wet suits.
I make all this stuff up, you guys!
So if you're ever bored, just go up to a parent (or even better, a grandparent) and just start playing with their skin!
Your urine doesn't have to be like, alpine spring clear.
So basically, if you've done all the legal work ahead of time, as soon as you die they can whisk you off to the person-freezing factory!
What are you supposed to say when you see an ugly baby? The parents are like, 'Isn't he beautiful?' and you're like, 'yeeeah... sure...'
If someone faints, just lie them down - (well, they're probably on the ground already) and...
It's a hamster-eat-hamster world out there.
It's good luck to pop your own spit bubble!" (insert awkward stare from everyone in the first row) "Okay, actually I just made that up to make myself feel better.
One man's poop is another man's treasure! ...well, not literally. ALTHOUGH...
The internet focuses around cats
Cause it would be really awkward if your eyes grew hair
Student: Isn't this dangerous? PV: oh, it's EXTREMELY dangerous
Maybe you don't go outside much
I sleep like a baby...meaning that I spend all night crying and wetting myself
Radiation won't turn you into a superhero, unless you want to be CANCERMAN!!
Maybe grass is green because green is just pretty
-You make poop fun.
-Your urine doesn't have to be mountain spring water.
-Don't tweet about your urine.
-You are not yeast.
-BlahblahblahblahblahBOOM!
-Pretty soon it's a pyramid scheme of bread making and all your friends hate you.
-Think about yourself first.
-I will destroy you with friendship
-That's a freebie. No charge for that tip.
-Why does sex matter? No one knows.
-Don't eat candles.
-As you may know, plants are green.
-You don't want your skin cells making insulin, just like you don't want your pancreas to grow hair.
-I hate it when my cells explode.
-No, you can't have my kidney.
-Enzymes are not Pacman.
-Sorry, I just ripped the time-space continuum.
-Your pee could be in Technicolor.
-You don't know it yet, but you're about to learn something.
-Latin can be a powerful tool for self delusion.
-I'm no fool.
-I said jubididoobiddy!!
-You're too old to trick or treat. If you're old enough to have kids, you're too old to trick or treat.
-I always think of you guys as embryos. You must've been so cute!
-You can't catch cancer.
-You're like-- 'that's the story of my life, Peevyhouse.'
-You could be allergic to dust mite poop.
-I put you guys into piles.
-Sometimes I just get really sad.
-Goodbye, sweet America...
-Don't let your children run on the freeway.
-What the WHAT?!
You know what’s embarrassing? Dying in class!
I was getting ready to go into full EMT mode. I was about to get my Heimlich on.
Thanks for living! Today is so much better, man. It’s a great day now.
Nicknames, I can’t just make it up... it has to be natural, organic...like Heimlich back there!
It’s like using the wifi at Starbucks. I wouldn’t use it for your spy stuff.
One of the greatest moments of my life was when I realized that I would never have muscles and would never be tan. And I was like, oh, cool! Now I can move on!
So when you see a cow sittin’ there, it just threw up. And it’s chewin’ on it!
We don’t want you to be constipated - they’re so grumpy!
You’re a miraculous big ol’ bag of chemicals!
I’m sorry I ruined your day. Actually, I’m not! I’m not sorry at all!
You just looked like someone who could use grapes.
Yes, the birds bump into the bees...wait, did you set me up?!
I have watched enough movies to know that you never give up. Some kind of Romeo and Juliet situation always happens. Five minutes after you drink the seawater, the plane always come...never give up, you guys. Never give up.
No, go ahead and take a bath. Actually - PLEASE take a bath.
I believe, based on a sample size of me...you know when you’re swimming and you always have to pee?
DEFINITELY go to the doctor if you find urine in your blood. Something’s WRONG!
I don’t wanna be too gross, but I think we’ve gone past that.
And then go instagram it! #technicolorpee
Sunshine, happy pee!
As soon as it came out of my mouth, I was like, “Why did I say ‘Armadillo Factory’?!”
I don’t wanna get leprosy either, so I’m gonna go with a ‘no’ on the pet armadillo.
If you want hours of entertainment, just go to Grandma...
It’s not easy being twenty five. ;)
You can’t argue with ‘nose-goes’
Tornadoes are catastrophic...it’s gonna break down....trailers.
If you’re lucky, for a couple seconds you have the wildest ride of your life... and then you are no more.
Sometimes the headphones come out of your pocket untangled...but more likely, you’re dead.
I am smart enough to know that I don’t know anything, and wise enough to admit it. I just made that up - man, that was gold!
Every one of you is hot AND explosive.
You know what they say, “no brain, no pain.”
My goal in life is to plant trees under whose shade I do not intend to sit.
When I die, I want a memorial urinal in the bathroom.
I can’t afford to go to Denny’s today... better open up another can of cat food.
If you’re sitting there eating cat food, as a retiree, you’re not helping anyone!
*upon being asked to run for president* Heck no! No one wants me!
That’s a lotta Ramen, baby!
And you could eat your way out of a cookie jail.
Someone should use “Phosphofructokinase” as the middle name for their first child. Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue?
Well, you know I am the real Slim Shady, right?
I’ll tell you what, you go swimming and I’ll shoot some rounds at you and see which ones hurt. I call that an ‘authentic assessment’!
And then they’re like “Oh look! Nemo! How cute!” No, they actually shoot you.
Oh yeah, I’m a doomsday prepper. That why I live in a compound with a bunker. What, where here is it? You know, undisclosed location.
All you Harry Potter nerds... I mean, “fans”...
You didn’t know that? There’s Barry White playing in every mitochondria of your body.
It’s a secret map to...you. Oh, it disappeared.
Stick with two pieces of KFC Chicken...or you’re in for some brutal digestion.
Try it some time...you’ll be a hero. Bring a bucket of chicken to a potluck.
My wife said the most beautiful thing to me the other day....she said, “Honey, I think we need a bigger TV” and I was like, “Oh my gosh! I love you so much!!!”
I’m gonna haunt some of you when I’m dead if you don’t put a title on your graphs...I’m gonna come back. I will!
It’s a pretty high-level joke, I’m not sure you can handle it.
I try to procrastinate, but I keep putting it off.
Step outside your comfort zone...that’s not the right word...step outside your lazy zone.
I think I need to clean my room today...haven’t done that in five years! I think today’s the day!
Some people say in the future that we will drink our meals...bologna! I don’t want that future! I wanna chew!
Student: “Why do you keep that plant leaf alive?” PV: “Oh, you know...I’m sadistic.”
I’m pretty sure I just said “without a big long discussion”...I’m pretty sure those words just came out of my mouth. (after a long tangent)
You probably wouldn’t like it if I shoved a 55-gallon milkshake into you, and that’s why carnivorous plants don’t like nice, rich soil.
And you’re going to try and take over someone’s yard....essentially.
I’m trying to come up with a funny response to that.... I got nothin’. Never mind.
Student: “Aww man, now I’m the joke of the class!” PV: “Oh no...you already were.”
That’s professional level Ramen-making right there...I don’t know if you’re ready for it.
There’s a little Elvis in all of us....thank you vury much.
Chocolate chip cookies equal love... no seriously.
What if there was a utopian society where they sorted babies?
Danger is the only thing that is better than safety.
‘Things just don’t work the way they used to.’ That’s what old people say.
The answer to pollution is dilution.
Your life is at the expense of the universe.
(Speaking about headphones) The only way to keep things from getting twisted in your life is to do work.
PEEVYHOUSE: There are lots of things you don’t throw on oil fires.STUDENT: Like water? or—PEEVYHOUSE: You know, like small children (Smiles while nodding profusely)
You know people who have problems conceiving kids? I have problems even conceiving of having kids… but yeah.
If you’re going to go bald, go full bald.
I’ve won life’s lottery.
Synthesize that in your head.
I love it when things segue so well.
I know so many random facts it’s crazy. Just ask my wife.
Instead of ‘Let it go,’ it’s ‘I am slow.
If we don’t allow each other to brave the storms of life, we’ll all break. You can be a support, but let them bend a little in the wind.
Sometimes the best things in life leave you wanting more.
Don't promise big; deliver big.
“I’m a potato ninja”
“Itches get me”
“I’m too good to be narcissistic”
“I can’t handle enzymes anymore, I’m outta here”
“You can make a baby as yellow as a highlighter, you just highlight it”
(talking about black eye peas while holding peas) “This is fergie”(holds out one of the peas) “this is Will I am” (holds out the other pea) “ooh I feel a song coming on” (starts singing) “I got a feeling… That tonights gonna be a good night” (shaking peas vigorously as if they were dancing)
“You’re funny; you can have an argument with yourself and lose”
“You want a free ranged kidney, not one that’s been cooped up”
“At the next high school dance you guys should do the chromosome” (begins “dancing”)
(absence of music makes the situation extremely awkward) “you also gotta have an overbite”(pauses dance to bite bottom lip, then continues dancing, this goes on for some time)
“Your other could have curly brown eyes”
“The most likely mutation you’re going to get is, like, a tumor man”
“I’ve heard all sorts of numbers and that sure does sound like a number I’ve heard”
(holds pencil to ear) “hmm? What’d you say?” (puts pencil down) “It said it’s not alive”
“Sometimes I just like to lay them down and dance around them” (talking about grading papers)
Wrote stong on the board instead of strong (I was the only one to notice)
Student: “what starts fires?” mr. Peevyhouse: “marmots with lighters”
“I’m a professional observer of teenagers”
“Keep an open mind, just don’t let your brain fall out”
“You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggonit, people like you”

Tim Peevyhouse